THE SUBTERRANEAN HOMESICK NOOS » christmas

Ornamental mentality

27 12 2004

“Coo, best cialis store coo, cialis usa ” the pigeon calls and attempts to needle his glassy eyeball into the depths of my soul.

I am not alone.

Were I more hospitable, more congenial, more filled with Yuletide nog, I might say ‘G’day mate’. But it’s me here. I glare and narrow my eye.

“Be gone, foul wretch, from my window. I know your seasonal psychoanalytic trickery. Don’t you have a fireside festival of Santa scraps to attend somewhere?”

The evil minion gets the hint and legs it. He leaps off the fire escape with wild abandon—off to find his next sap of a patient. Pigeons. Always trying to analyze a body. Let me tell you, all that patronizing head-tilting and bobbing really gets on my nerves.

Don’t fret—I am still not alone. A pleasant gaggle of guests have squished their way into the Noodle box this Christmas day. Roll call.

First, there is the smell of a roasting bird in here, stinking up the joint pleasantly and keeping me company. My nostril hairs are sharing some sort of sporting camaraderie and are doing a wave, though I don’t think it’s Mexican in origin.

There is still the feel of cool, herbed butter getting friendly between my fingers while I type. This poor keyboard and its greasiness and innocence lost. I catch a glimpse of the future. I’m typing fast. Like the damn wind, Captain. Like my life depends on it. But so fast that my right index finger slips off the buttery goodness of the ‘T’ and slams into the screen of my laptop, crippling my finger and ending my career right then and there. And all because of this day, this Christmas day where I washed my hands before typing, but still a buttery residue remained. Read the rest of this entry »



Cultural oddities and other probing questions

28 12 2002

Question 1:
When driving from Singapore to Malaysia you must:
a) Get a Gurkha to take your photo at the border
b) Have at least 3/4 of a tank of petrol
c) Crack jokes to the immigration officer about the terrorists hiding in the boot
d) Be at least this tall (indicates roughly 1.2m) to enter

Ok, buy viagra pills before anyone gets all narky about the discrimination against vertically challenged people; there are no height restrictions when entering Johor Bahru. So, if you answered d) you may not be smart enough to participate in today’s Noos. Click away now!

But on with the story…

I scored an invite to Crazy Val’s mum’s house for lunch on Christmas day. This entailed a skip across the Causeway into Johor Bahru, Malaysia. It seems so weird to skip to another country on Christmas day, get the passport stamped and then come back, but hey, that’s the kind of exotic life I’m leading now. My exotic life. Oh, how the exotic Noodle lives!

Two years here and I’d still never done the trip into Malaysia, so this jaunt was an attempt to rectify this grave oversight AND score a family-type Christmas gig. Even if that family was not my own.

Singapore and Malaysia are only separated at JB by a bridge. There are lots of signs before the checkpoint. One of particular note is a rather puzzling image of a fuel gauge with the needle at 3/4 full. Meaning? Well, there is a $500 fine if you get caught with less petrol than that. Can’t have those bargain-hunting Singaporeans ducking into Malaysia for cheap petrol!

So, if you listed b) as your answer in the quiz, you may collect 1,000 ringgits. Read the rest of this entry »






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